FROM THE DESK OF CLIVE OWEN:
Hello, darlings. Don’t let the pornstache disturb you. Imagine the whiskers tickling your neck. Your breasts. Your stomach. Your biscuit. That’s better, isn’t it? And don’t let the little double chin upset you either. I’m getting slightly jowly, but at least I’m not getting plastic surgery. And I don’t want you to mess with your beautiful face either.
I just decided to drop you this line from the premiere of my new film, Trust. This mess was directed by David Schwimmer, and it’s all about me being a vengeful father after my daughter goes on the Internet and some predator gets to her. I take out the Internet predators. I’m like Chris Hanson, only I have a pornstache and your biscuits are tingling. But yes, this film looks like a disaster. I apologize.
By the way, as you may remember from previous letters, this pornstache is because I’m playing Ernest Hemingway. I’m not sure if that’s a biscuit-tingler or not, but at least I’m still working.
Photos courtesy of Fame.
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